


Someone To Face The Day With

by sunshinejade



Series: asynchronous [4]
Category: X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Hangyul Centric, Hangyul thinks he's weak, It'll get better, M/M, Moving On, NO PROMISES THO, One-Sided Relationship, Seungyul fight, and also super soft, and its heartbreak again, because lots of people love Hangyul, he's lowkey right, menitoned Cho Seungyoun, mentioned Lee Suwoong, mentioned Nam Dohyon, mentions a lot of people honestly, timing is a bitch and now both seungyul sides are crying, yohangyul are bff goals
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2019-10-10
Packaged: 2020-10-14 20:28:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20606819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshinejade/pseuds/sunshinejade
Summary: No one could ever know meNo one could ever see meSeems you're the only one who knowsWhat it's like to be meSomeone to face the day withMake it through all the rest withSomeone I'll always laugh withEven at my worst, I'm best with youHangyul has a crush for his roommate, his rommate would rather room with Yohan. Unrequited love sucks, so he does the best thing to help him move on. He surrounds himself with people he loves and looks for a distraction.Parallel work to- It's My Right To Be HellishDISCONTINUED TIL FURTHER NOTICE





	1. The Only Possible Cure - Kijung

**Author's Note:**

> Kijung keeps asking questions. Hangyul takes a while, but at least he answers.  
Kijung is worried. Hangyul wishes he could say he isn't.  
Kijung is there for him. Hangyul thinks that maybe moving on won't be so miserable.

_Come dicon tutti il tempo è_  
_L'unica cura possibile_  
_Solo l'orgoglio ci mette un po'_  
_Un po' di più per ritirarsi su  
__Però mi ha aiutato a chiedermi  
__Se era giusto essere trattato così_

_(trans.)_

_As they all say time is_  
_The only possible cure_  
_ Only pride takes a while_  
_ A while more to get back up_  
_ But it helped me ask myself_  
_ If it was right to be treated like this_

* * *

Hangyul stared down on his plate, his appetite failing him.

He could have easily blamed it on his friend, who had been feeding him non stop all day not letting his mouth be empty for more the fifteen minutes. For a dongsaeng, he seemed awfully set on making today ‘Look after Hangyul hyung day’. He had said so himself and at first, the X1 member had found it cute and touching. But apparently, Kijung’s idea of taking care of him consisted mostly in buying food he liked and speed spitting out all they had to do before Hangyul was once again overwhelmed by work.

“Giseok hyung said he’s not forgiving me for this,” He said, his nasal, high pitched voice a familiar sound to the older’s ears.  
“Kept saying I was supposed to post-pone for a day when we were all free so we could all hang out together. But you see, I kinda missed you, hyung.”

_My fans should see this boy, _he thought mentally laughing, _he’s far cuter than I’ll ever be and he really is not trying._

“And if we all hang out together we don’t get to talk as much and we’d also have to invite all MBK Boys, you know? To be polite.” 

Hangyul chuckled at that, fully knowing the other was implying how he didn’t want Dohyon to tag along. Kijung had always been very jealous of not being the youngest anymore and seeing how he never had much time to spend with the new maknae, it was with very little surprise that the 99-liner received a text every few weeks filming produce x 101 wondering when he got so close to the new kid.

“But anyway, I was at Gwangsuk hyung’s gallery the other day with Hansol hyung and Jun hyung. Told them I’d see you. Feeldog hyung wants you to drop by sometime, but you have to warn him first, so he can be free to entertain you he said. And so he can tell the others to come too.” Kijung seemed incapable of breathing in between sentences.  
“But not before you actually drop by MBK cause everyone misses you there and you only have a few days, I heard. I’m sorry if it sounds as if we’re trying to hog all your time, it’s just it’s been so long. But do say if you wanna stay home, we can’t blame you in that case. Your mom and dad must miss you even more than we do and you probably missed them a lot; she’s not even my mom but I miss her cooking and also your dad’s jokes. They called my parents the other day, cause they don’t see each other know that you’re gone. But back to what I was saying, if you come don’t come on Thursdays. Or on Mondays. That’s when Trainer Bae is not around and I think she misses her favorite student.” He said nodding along fervently and pointed at Hangyul accusingly.   
“Don’t make that face, hyung. You know it’s true. She’s the one who told our CEO to push you to appear on Produce and she always said ‘good job guys, good job Hangyul’ and now she doesn’t even say ‘good job guys’. She’s even worse than before. The hyungs say that it’s because she’s scared people will expect a lot from us once you guys comeback in two years and she doesn’t want us to feel as if we’re falling behind. I think it’s stupid, like I could ever resent you.”

He took a sip of the long-forgotten Iced Americano he had ordered.  
“But what about you? How’s life?”

Hangyul knew he meant to ask how being in the new monster rookie group felt like, but he had known him for such a long time that he just knew he’d end up asking all the wrong questions. Questions Hangyul wasn’t sure he had answers to.

“Pretty great!” His smile genuine, thinking about the feast his mom prepared the night he got home. “Mom cried when she saw me and Dad kept scolding loudly my stylists saying I’ll end up bald if they keep dying my hair like this. My brothers are leaving early though, like the day after tomorrow or the following. My parents are pretty busy these days, waking up at 5 and all, dad’s trying to help mom at the orphanage and I think I’ll tag along tomorrow morning. I’m kinda worried he’ll overwork himself. Mom is mostly trying to keep the spirits up; being a kid and not having a family on Chuseok is always haunting.”

Hangyul knew how it felt himself and was glad that like every major holiday his family tried to make things better at this time of the year for the kids of the town.  
“I only have a week of break, but seeing my parents have their mornings full I usually just end up getting the car and drive back here to see people.”  
“Well, at least they gave you time away for Holidays… remember back when we debuted? We weren’t even famous and our agency still made us work on Chuseok. As if the general audience would have cared to see us in magazines.”

It brought back painful memories and how Kijung managed to say that without even frowning amazed him. It was one of the reasons Hangyul felt a bit awkward talking about his second debut with him; after IM and later UNB, the older boy didn’t know how his former maknae managed to stay so positive and nice and never once taking his frustrations on Hangyul.

“Yeah, we were lucky. The boys were over the moon. They all come from more or less far away cities, so the babies” Kijung made a face at that “were really happy about going home.”  
“Wow, this must be the longest you haven’t seen each other since you moved in, I suppose.”  
“Yeah, in fact I’m planning on dropping by Yohan’s house tomorrow evening and I was actually supposed to spend sometime with Dohyon today before you called.”  
“Oh, yeah. The new kid is from Incheon too isn’t he?”  
“He’s been in MBK for a year, Kijung. Stop calling him the new kid. And no, he’s from Icheon but it’s only an hour and a half drive if you’re a good driver and he keeps complaining about being bored.”

The younger boy remained silent for a second, with his thinking face.  
“I know Seungyoun sunbaenim is from Gyeonggi.”  
“Wow, Jungie. You know a guy you never met is from Gyeonggi but don’t know your labelmate’s hometown? What did Dohyon do to you anyway?”

Hangyul chuckled and the younger completely ignored him.

“Planning on seeing him during your break?”   
“Dohyon?”  
“What? No, Seungyoun.”  
“My name’s Hangyul.” He said not missing a beat, misunderstanding on purpose and smirking a little bit.

Kijung gave him a pointed look that made him roll his eyes back in annoyance.  
“No, Kijungie. I’m not planning on seeing him. If he calls saying he wants to meet up, sure otherwise I don’t see why I should. I’m on a break.”  
“So it’s Yohan-ssi that told you to drop by his house tomorrow?”  
“No, I just want to see him so I called.”  
“So you don’t want to see Seungyoun.”  
“That’s not what I said.”  
“Do you want to see him then? Do you kinda miss him? It’s not weird if that’s the case, you’re _friends_.” The way Kijung stressed the word 'friends' left a sour taste on Hangyul’s tongue.

“I guess I thought about giving a call this morning… I mean I see the guys every day so it’s strange suddenly not seeing them.”  
“The guys?”  
“Yeah…?” He didn’t get why his friends was getting so inquisitive. Or better yet, he understood, he just wanted to avoid talking about it.  
“Pfft, You don’t sound so eager to call Dongpyo.”

Hangyul placed his forearms on the table sighing.  
“What now?”  
“Why didn’t you call Seungyoun then?”  
“I- I… honestly I don’t know. I just changed my mind, I guess.”

Frankly he wasn’t fully sure why he didn’t. That morning after getting dressed he had thought of calling Seungyoun. He felt a bit sorry for canceling on Dohyon and he had half a mind to drive to Icheon sometime between finishing working at the orphanage and dinner at Yohan’s. Thinking about it he had the sudden urge to ask his hyung if he wanted to tag along. In the end he didn’t, half hearing the awkward laugh the all-rounder would give him, telling him he had other plans. Maybe it was because deep in his heart he would have gotten hurt by the possibility more than a regular friend would.

Just as he finished the sentence in his mind, he grimaced at the mind-reading abilities Kijung seemed to have developed during their months apart.

“You know what, hyung? I think you got scared Seungyoun might not want to see you and turn you down.”  
“What makes you say that? First: do I look like the person to get intimidated by that? Second: you don’t even know Seungyoun and I never talked to you about our friendship.”  
He tilted his head to the side, a small habit he got when he felt slightly cornered, unsure or irritated. Right now he wasn’t sure which one had caused it.

“I’m gonna be honest Gyul hyung. I’ve done some monitoring since your debut.” He said with the most serious face he had seen him make in quite a while.   
“At first it was because I wanted to see how you were doing… and because Seungwoo sunbaenim was my pick. And I don’t know, sometimes it feels like your in a one-sided relationship with Seungyoun. Like you think he’s your b- …best friend and well he doesn’t.”

He tried to ignore how Kijung stuttered before saying best friend.  
“What is that even supposed to mean?!"

It came out louder than he wanted and the waiter of the cafe (an old friend that kindly let them have a small part of the place all for themselves) raised an eyebrow at the sudden rise of voice.

“Look, don’t get angry at me. I’m just trying to look out for you. I don’t want you to get hurt!” The boy replied putting his hands up to signalize his innocence.  
“Nothing to look out for, kid. Just a regular friendship and plus you know me, I get attached fast and I show it more than him, I suppose. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about me.”

Even as he said that he had to admit that there were times when he had suspicions on the depth of the older’s affection towards him. But he could still confidently state that they were good friends.  
“Maybe, but I’m still worried about you.” He said with a solemn tone. “I saw the clip for his birthday and honestly that kinda screamed ‘whipped culture’.”

Hangyul frowned again, this time actually confused at what it meant.

“You know… like he’s perfect in your eyes or something. Honestly you look at him like that a lot. It’s a little unsettling.” Kijung stopped a second after that, (not so) casually playing with the fork and the crumbs of the chocolate cake he had been eating. When he spoke again he sounded unsure for the first time since he had started talking that morning.  
“It kinda reminds me of how you used to look at —“ he glanced up to his hyung eyes as if he didn’t know whether to continue or not.

Hangyul knew he should have seen it coming. Kijung had been by his side almost as much as Giseok hyung and Taeeun when it happened the previous year. The three of them had won, after that, a spot in his heart right under his family.  
“You can say his name, it’s not a curse word.”

The younger boy seemed sheepish for saying it out loud.  
“I mean it though. I haven’t seen you look at anyone like that before or after Suwoong hyung.”

“Don’t compare Suwoong to Seungyoun, our relationship couldn’t be more different.”  
“That’s why I’m being cautious, hyung! I never had to worry about Suwoong hyung hurting you, he talked about you like you farted perfume and flowers.”

Hangyul smiled at the memory. He was done asking himself stupid questions like _What if.. _or _What would have happened.._ but the moments they had together were still fresh and fond to him.He hadn’t heard from him in so long and (just like with another important person in his life) he didn’t have the guts to call, afraid of rejection.

Kijung looked like he was expecting his hyung to say something, but Hangyul would have rather stayed in utter silence than to try and tell him that Seungyoun was never going to hurt him.

Because if he was truthful to himself, he wasn’t sure his roommate wasn’t hurting him already.  
They were cool now, but he still remembered how it stung to be ignored and avoided for weeks. And he was so confused with all the mixed signs he kept giving him.  
Laughing half-heartedly at his jokes, flirting with Seungwoo and Wooseok, saying how he’d like rooming with Yohan (as if Hangyul would let that happen).  
And the second later, taking pictures of him, ask him to hang out with Hyeongjun and Dohyon, getting grumpy if he slept in Yohan's room, doing aegyo at him.

After another moment of silence, he simply looked at his younger friend eye to eye and sighed.  
“Just ask me what you want to ask me so we can change topic.” He said already knowing what was coming and not sure of what he was going to answer.

“Do you like _like_ Cho Seungyoun?”  
“Yes.”  
“Do you think he feels the same way?”

He thought of the way Seungyoun never really looked for him unless Hangyul started giving attention to someone else from the hyung-line.  
“No.”

“Does anyone know?”  
“Taeeun got me drunk right after the finale and I might have let it slip. I don’t know if he took me seriously, but he did ask me how I was doing a week after I debuted and it was coincidentally after Seungyoun said somethings at a fan sign.”  
“The coworker thing.”  
“Hell, you weren’t kidding about the monitoring thing, huh?”

His friend shrugged.

“But yeah other than that, no one. I thought about telling Yohan once. But I think he’d stress over that… he’s that kind of friend. Also, I’m starting to think Hyeongjun is slowly starting to understand. He’s a lot smarter than he lets on.”  
“So you didn’t talk about it with anyone?”

It was his time to shrug now.

“I told my mom, but I don’t want her to worry so… I could talk to my hyungs, but it probably sounds silly in the ears of a bunch of married men in their thirties.”  
“You could talk to Seungwoo? He sounds like a good listener and a good keeper of secrets.”  
“I guess, but I’m always scared he’s getting the weight of all of our problems. Plus there’s really nothing to talk about. I like him, he doesn’t like me. Even if he did, we’re in the same team for the next five years so it’s better if nothing happens.”

Kijung nodded in understanding and exhaled.  
“So what’s the plan now?”  
“It’s not like I can run after him every time he wants to play hard to get. I guess for now it’s all conceal, don’t feel. ”

He liked Seungyoun and maybe the older was truly perfect in his eyes, but whenever he thought something was going right between them the older would go and tell people how Seungwoo is the most wonderful human being on earth, how he’d rather save Dohyon who didn’t even fall in the water in the first place and how he just really wants to swap rooms after what? Two months?

Seungyoun can be perfect how much he wants, but Hangyul doesn’t think he completely sucks in comparison, so maybe he doesn’t deserve to have his pride stepped on so much.  
Moving on was going to be difficult and he wasn’t sure how much it would have worked, but he had to at least try.

“That. And hang out with your friends, even if it’s not me it’s fine. Just so you can talk about it or distract yourself. And not just about Seungyoun sunbaenim, I mean all of it. Whatever it is, hyung. Promise.”

_That sounds like a plan_, he thought, smiling. It was comforting to hear someone say that, to know he always had a place to fall back, friends to relay on, people to confide in or to cheer him up.

“Promise.”

(They jumped to something else entirely as if Hangyul didn’t just admit in having feelings for his roommate. But all was fine because those feelings were going to die out with time, sooner or later anyway. No matter how it stung right now.)

* * *

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, as any respectable plot, Hangyul decides to move on the moment Seungyoun is starting to realize he might feel something beyond friendship.  
I told y'all not to hate Kijung, he's a loving dongsaeng that's trying to look out for his hyung. He's wrong about Seungyoun in this case, but let's face it we all wanted to punch Seungyoun for being flirty and unloyal and repeatedly trying to sink Seungyul so he has a point in being worried for Hangyul's heart.
> 
> Also, I like name dropping and hinting at backstories, I'm not really sure what happened between Suwoong and Hangyul yet, but yeah something definitely happened.
> 
> Anyways I really hope you guys liked this! Imma try to update "It's my right to be hellish" tomorrow but no promises hehe  
<3 thanks as always for taking time to read this through.  
As mentioned it's a parallel fic, so same time as the other one, though the chapters will probably be shorter because IMRTBH is the main work between the two. Just thought it'd be nice to have some insight in what's going on with Gyullie too
> 
> love you guys always and you can always reach for me on twitter @sun_shinejade for anything really <3 <3 <3


	2. All of a Sudden I Forget - Sihun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sihun is over visiting and Seungyoun is being an ass.  
And he doesn't even have the strength to go through with his anger.  
He really needs to stop being so week for him.

_All of a sudden I forget (that I was upset)_   
_Can't remember what you did_   
_But I hate it_

* * *

Hangyul was weak when it came to Seungyoun.  
He knew it the moment he didn’t even think twice about asking the older boy to come back home too, even if he could still enjoy the break for a few days longer; only so they could spend some time together, (this was only days after saying he was gonna move on for sure).

So he thought, the moment the kids told them they weren’t gonna do much, that it was better to find some sort of distraction to avoid alone time with his hyung.   
But even as he planned to go out with Yohan and Sihun, he kind of wanted to be with Seungyoun too.

If Kijung saw him now, he’d probably scold him, and it’s kind of embarrassing to be scolded by someone younger, but he’d be right.   
As soon as he managed to sort things out with Sihun he naturally asked Seungyoun if he wanted to tag along and as the words left his lips, he realized that repressing his affection towards his roommate was going to be far more difficult than expected.   
It literally seemed unnatural to him.

But the way Seungyoun answered that he didn’t really feel like it reminded him why he was trying to move on in the first place.

There was no way in heaven that the all-rounder felt the same way, so he needed to stop hoping for a miracle and, most importantly, he needed to stop putting himself up for self-inflicted disappointment.

He stared at his phone for a brief moment, pretending not to be waiting for a reply he knew wasn’t coming anyway, until Sihun, ever animatedly called for his attention talking about how he had seen the most ridiculous video online.

Hangyul threw his phone away from his reach and put all his attention in the way Sihun’s face crunched up in the strangest, yet most endearing expressions as he explained his utter confusion with whatever happened in the abyss of the internet.

He had been lightly jealous of the youth in his friend's looks and personality, back when they first met.

Being in different classes after the audition and re-evaluation, he never had time to bond with Sihun before they got chosen by Keumdong for Love Shot.   
But somehow the blue-haired boy seemed to be indifferent to his usually considered scary looks.

He had voted Sihun as leader mostly because he knew the choreography already and all the other boys already knew him and seemed to rely on him, so he just followed along.   
But the real reason the BrandNew leader had grown on him, besides that horrible prank he and the others had pulled, was because he was the first (and probably only) trainee that treated him his age. He was actually taken aback when the young-looking guy had casually called him by name, most people still addressing each other formally or giving for granted that he was a hyung.

But Sihun just waved at him during lunch and happily screamed “Hangyul-ah!” and if he was honest it was strange because they never talked about formalities and name-basis but when he walked over Sihun just smiled: “I hope it’s cool if I call you that, I want us to be friends since we’re 99-liners” he said while gesturing to him and Seongjun.

He didn’t realize he was smiling until the blue-head asked him why did he look so satisfied and he stumbled on his words while telling him that people always gave for granted he was twenty-three if not older and that Sihun was the first to not ask him how old was he.

“Hah.” He scoffed “First, they clearly didn’t watch The Unit and that’s their loss.”   
Even now after half a year, he has trouble thinking of a time in which Sihun wasn’t the weirdest kind of blunt. “Second, even if you do look older than the rest of us, I think it comes as an asset to you.”

Hangyul knew that of course, but being told every day he looked a lot older was a little disheartening.   
Sihun would say that even looking young wasn’t that nice and even if it sounded like a lie, he just went along with his new friend’s complaints.

And he liked to complain about his looks, which was kind of annoying and he really didn’t want to hear it because this guy was mad about being told he looked younger, cute and fresh as fruit when it was literally everything no one ever told Hangyul.  
But then Sihun would come up to him after practice and ask him how to make a sexy face that wasn’t cringey or how to act all mature and manly and still seemed natural and even mutter to himself that of course, it was easy for the MBK trainee, he never had to worry about fitting that concept.

Before that, sticking to a sexy performance was his personal preference simply because he wasn’t confident in being cute, but now looking at how effortless his stage presence was in comparison to Sihun, who was more used to show a bright image, he understood what his friend meant. So he tried not to get irritated when the blue-haired boy complained about his looks and would always stay late to practice so they could help each other, one pointing out how to adjust the other's moves and the other giving advice on stage expressions.

Thinking back to it now, he realized that he never heard Sihun say the word ‘old’ or ‘grown-up’ or ‘adult’.   
When he made comments about Hangyul it was always ‘cool’ and ‘sexy’ and ‘handsome’ and his personal favourite was ‘cute’ though not when talking about a stage, only when they were on their own and joking around.

Maybe it wasn’t much to build a friendship on, but for Hangyul it was enough.

“Look Yohan, our dummy tiger is zoning out again.” He heard the blond say. “Cute.”  
He threw a pillow at him again, but this time SIhun dodged it easily and picked it up, laughing at how Hangyul covered his head in precaution.

Sihun asked them if they had plans for the end of the year, trying to work out if they had any way to run into each other or they had to always play Tetris with their schedules. And just like that, their morning flew out of the window.

He had missed Sihun, he realised as he looked at him while slurping down ramen (it was a sight that brought him back to Produce x 101) and he thought about the times where MOVE team was far too big for all of them to stay together and even if he and Sihun weren’t sleeping in the same room they would always find themselves eating midnight snacks together.

(_I want us to be friends since we’re 99-liners)._

But Seungyoun, _Gosh how hard it was to try not to stare at him during lunch,_ just had to ruin his perfect morning of avoidance and distraction.   
He noticed the slight pushiness in his tone as he mentioned individual practice because this was Seungyoun and never in their time together (and keeping in mind that 80% of that time was spent practising) had the older showed any approval in overworking.

It made him frown, but he tried not to accuse his roommate unless given other proofs.   
After all, Seungyoun liked Sihun and never had a problem with spending time with him (he even personally approached Sihun and apologized for voting him out of MOVE team).

But Sihun seemed to be unsure of staying now, clearly unsettled by how Seungyoun was practically glancing between the blond and the door as if to signalize what he wanted. But no, Hangyul refused to believe that Seungyoun would want Sihun to leave, it didn’t make sense because the latter had done nothing to upset or trouble the all-rounder.

And then. Shit. Went. Down.

*

Hangyul wasn’t in the right mindset to process what had just gone down, barely could recall exactly what happened.

Just that Seungyoun was being a bitch for no reason and had that stupid expression of determination on his stupid perfect face and he was really close to punching him for a moment.

The nerve!  
The damn nerve of that idiotic human being!

He was done feeling like he was at fault like so very done with it.

Being mad at Hangyul was one thing. Even if Seungyoun had no reason to be, the main dancer was willing to forgive and forget and even ask for forgiveness because he liked Seungyoun that much. But today Seungyoun had been taking it out on Sihun and that did not sit right with Hangyul.

He had no idea of why Seungyoun was mad.   
He sounded all right when he talked to him on the phone during the break, but now he was mad and that just screamed volumes on how he was more than okay with playing left and right with Hangyul's mind.

He had almost melted on the spot when Seungyoun told him that _of course_, he was coming back too, because how could he pass down the chance to spend time with his beloved members and dongsaeng.

And then he just turned down Hangyul’s offer to go to the movies with them, saying it was a matter of not wanting to leave the house but then Hangyul asked him to be _indoors_ with them and Seungyoun still ignored him.

And now he was acting all stuck up and bitchy for what?   
They literally hadn’t seen Sihun in two months!

He knew that they weren’t keeping in contact with each other (because either one of them would have told him) so there was no way that Sihun had managed to do something to Seungyoun, which only meant that his hyung had a problem with _him._

He was fuming all the way to the practice room, only focusing on driving and trying not to curse Seungyoun’s name into oblivion and when they reached Brand New Music’s parking lot he took a deep breath and looked at Sihun.

“I’m sorry about what happened there and don’t worry, I’ll try and get a grip on myself. I can’t let him ruin our day. The _prick_.”

“Hey don’t be so harsh on him.”

Sihun sounded so unbothered and chill and it was such a strange sight, he had always know Sihun to be fearless when it came to defending himself, especially when he was being wronged.

“What do you mean harsh on him,” he complained getting out of the car and heading for the elevator “He practically told you to get the fuck out!”

“Have you considered that he might have a reason?” Sihun kept talking to him as if he was a kid and it only made his anger grow more intense.

“What? Do you want to make me believe you did something to him? _You_?” The dancer raised his eyebrow sceptically.

“No, but you know…” he looked at him up and down as to prove a point.

“Me?!” He had to keep himself from screaming, especially now that they were walking around the hallways.   
“I mean I kinda think he’s pissed at me too, but if he is, I swear to god I did not give him a reason to.” He huffed following Sihun into a practice room.

Sihun shrugged.

“Jealousy has nothing to do with reason.”

The moment he heard that he froze in the middle of the room looking lost.   
“If it’s a joke it’s not funny, Hun.”

“Do I look like I’m joking?”

When Hangyul realised his friend was for real, he burst laughing, his anger temporally going over his head.

“Look I’m serious. If you think about it it makes more sense than thinking he’s gone crazy and started hating one of us overnight.”

Hangyul couldn’t focus after that and he cursed in his mind his roommate just as much as his friend who was casually free-styling over random beats he had composed himself. Sihun would ask for opinions every once and then and even teach Hangyul a few steps and have him dance with him.

[_I need to work out formations and it’s easier if I have an actual body doing the moves.]_

But the X1 member knew that every few moments the blond would glance at him worriedly.

As they drove over to the grocery store, he just nodded along to the music Sihun had put on and let the other boy drive.  
After a few seconds the skinny boy spoke up:

“Look, man. I didn’t mean to make you short circuit. I just think that jealousy could be the reason, unfounded sure but still. We all feel possessive more or less when it comes to loved ones.   
Do you have any idea how much it bothers me that Eunsang will literally pass the next five years growing up next to you and not us? A freaking lot. It doesn’t mean that I’m in love with that baby, now. So don’t think he likes-_likes _you if that’s what makes you panic.”

He scoffed. “I know that, don’t worry. As if someone like Seungyoun hung would fall for me out of all people.”

He was busy looking outside the window to notice the look of realization his friend made when he noticed the bitterness in Hangyul’s comment.

“Hey, just… I know how Seungyoun treated me was wrong, but he’s a good man and he probably realized his mistake as well.   
I wouldn’t be surprised if he tried to apologize as soon as we got back. So, just know that I’m fine and talk to him, okay?   
And if he doesn’t come to you, just be the better man and reach out. He cares about you and you care about him. You’re even rooming, for Heaven’s sake. _Communication is key._” He said the last part in his adorable broken English.

He followed around, as Sihun took care of the food to buy, still strolling confused in his own mental castle.

Truth was, that he had thought about it for a second. 

As he stormed out the dorm with Sihun, he wondered, _hoped_ for a second, if Seungyoun was so adamant of having his friend gone because of _him_.   
But he had felt pathetic for clinging on such an idea, such a little silver-lining that still wouldn’t excuse the poor manners and mean voice.

And if he really was jealous what did it even mean?  
Was he not allowed to have friends besides the members now?

Because last time he checked Seungyoun called and met his friends regularly, both idols and regular ones.

Also, jealousy wasn’t an excuse to act like that.   
Hangyul knew from experience how painful and corrosive the green monster was, but never, in his past four months of pining for Cho Seungyoun had he treated Wooseok, Seungwoo, Byungchan or Yohan the way the older had treated Sihun today.

They needed to talk, he knew it.

He just felt himself shudder at the idea of having to talk about anything that came close to feelings with his roommate.   
Because he wanted to take him by the waist and kiss him almost every day and having to tell him that he had no reason to be jealous only made him want to do it more.

Also… _Also _for once he wasn’t sure he wanted to forgive Seungyoun because he had always been ready to forget all kind of hurt he had been put on in the last month and for once, even if he knew deep down that the nature of their feelings was very different, he wanted for Seungyoun to understand that he just couldn’t be like that.

He couldn’t expect Hangyul to only be _his_ friend and then dismiss him like a smelly sock.   
And he couldn’t make Seungyoun understand that if they had a conversation because the moment he’d see him all his walls would crumble down, his roommate would show him his shining smile and the dancer would go back to making sure he was at his hyung’s disposal if he needed entertainment.

It took him two hours of grocery shopping to talk himself into gathering the strength to actually talk to Seungyoun and he was going to do it because it was the right, mature thing to do.

Make up, clear any possible problem and go back to whatever they were.

He almost laughed at himself.

Even now, after a day of Seungyoun being in the wrong, he was willing to be the one to reach out, to ask for forgiveness for making him jealous and to make their friendship heal. He wanted to think it was because he was that mature, but he feared it was a matter of submissiveness.  
He hated how utterly helpless he was when it came to loving Seungyoun.

He almost didn’t register Sihun talking and greeting his other members, simply taking in both hands the suitcases he was handed and going up to their apartment after Dohyon.

When he got in, he only wanted to go look for Seungyoun.   
The sooner they made up, the better.

And that's when their eyes locked.  
He almost smiled at the slightly puffy and sleepy face Seungyoun had, but then he noticed the hand he was holding and the boy lying close to him.

And he felt like the greatest fool in South Korea.   
The greatest fool in Asia even.

He had spent the last two hours killing himself over their fight in the morning and the idea of Seungyoun being jealous and how to approach the guy without feeling so damn whipped.

_Had he been sleeping soundly holding Wooseok’s hand all afternoon?_

He sprinted upstairs, not caring a single minute to stay and witness the two together. Not caring about how he looked, fuming to the upper floor like that.

He felt almost bad for grumpily putting away the kids' luggage (those carriers had done nothing wrong) and almost wanted to scream when he was met by Seungyoun’s face the moment he came out of their room.

Before he could say anything, the older boy simply grabbed him by the shoulders and shoved him in their room.  
There was an awkward moment when Seungyoun simply stood there, looking down on him, hovering over the bed and Hangyul had to remind himself that he was truly, utterly disgusted and angry with this marvellous man.

When he came to sit next to him, the main dancer had braced himself for a conversation that didn’t start and he couldn’t believe just how shameless Seungyoun could be.

All that jealous boyfriend act (and as he thought this his heart didn’t warm or skipped a beat, only filled with burning frustration). All that animosity, only to go back to Wooseok the moment the smaller boy was back?

What did he think Hangyul was? A toy he could pick up and throw on the floor once he was bored with him?   
A little toy doll no one else could touch?

The sheer desperation in his eyes made part of his anger leave his body and suddenly he let himself fall back.  
_Why do you always have to be so weak for him?_

“I’m sorry I was bitch earlier.”  
“You shouldn’t be apologizing to me then. Not as the first option, at least. Sihun is too nice to say it, but you hurt him this morning.” He said sitting back down.   
“I get that you’re angry at me, but that doesn’t mean you get to be mean to my friends you know?

That was not what he had planned to say, not what he should have said after everything his heart went through. He was that weak for him.

“Is that what you think this is about? Why should I be angry at you?”

There was something in his high tone voice that made Hangyul hope that maybe there had been a misunderstanding, that he didn’t have the full story and that he was too quick on his anger.

“Don’t ask me, but you don’t seem to have a reason to be angry at Hunie either so I guess it makes more sense if I’m the one you’re cross with.”  
“It’s not anger.”  
“Then what is it? Because honestly, you were _really_ \- _lousy -_ for lack of better words.”

He could feel himself panic because Seungyoun had just admitted not having a reason to be mad, bringing them closer to the confirmation that he truly was being a jealous shit.

All the pain and hurt and frustration he felt during that day, that he used to fuel his anger suddenly build up in his throat and he was glad that Seungyoun spoke up because for a moment he felt himself tear up in agitation.

“You’re the one who told me to come here and spend time with the guys before we have to work again.   
And it’s not an excuse to get angry at Sihun, but sorry if I was expecting to actually spend time together.”

He forgets everything hearing those words, he had thought of jealousy yes, but hearing Seungyoun actually talk about it...  
Hearing him say that he had hoped for them to be together for the day.

He wasn’t happy with the way Seungyoun treated him or Sihun, but he was willing to give him a chance to make it up to him.   
And all that sincerity made him want to be sincere too.

“I wanted that, too. I asked you if you wanted to come to the movies with us and you said you didn’t feel like it. And I texted you to come up and hang out with me and the boys before lunch and you just left me on read.   
I know we don’t have much time to chill and spend time together when we’re working that’s why I wanted you to tag along, I just thought you might like hanging out with us. I mean I know we’re all younger than you, but I don’t know—“

It was the first time he admitted that out loud and to be honest he never knew he felt this way before he said it. “I wouldn’t mind if you asked me to hang out with _your _friends.”

“Really?”

The surprise in his voice was genuine, like he couldn’t fantom the idea of Hangyul being interested in his friend.

_When will you understand that I want to know everything about you?_

“I’ll apologise to Sihun, before he leaves. And tell him he’s free to drop by anytime and we can go watch that movie if you want.”  
“You don’t have to force yourself, if you don’t want to, hyung. I can be your friend and his friend without you being close to each other if it’s a problem, I just thought you liked him.”

All the anger had officially turned in sadness and he wished he was stronger or braver because he should either stand up to Seungyoun or confesses, but he was really too scared and in love to risk destroying what little they had.

“It’s not that, I like Sihun, really” he sighed “It’s just that I like you too.”

Hangyul froze at that rushed sentence, thinking that for a moment he heard it wrong.

“You’re my friend and my roommate and member and I care about you. And I do care about being friends with your friends, is just that even if we get along sometimes I still feel like I don’t know you and I’m starting to want to change that, for our _friendship_.”

Hangyul tries not to be too disappointed at how the apology turned out. He had known all along to only be considered a friend.   
But his heart still skipped a beat when the other boy implied he wanted them to be closer than they are.  
He was being swayed by the charming way his roommate had asked forgiveness.

Without wanting to, he relaxed again and only then he notices that they've been holding hands.

He’s too tired to fight anymore, too willing to take this apology and painful friend-zone.   
He just wants them to go back to being friends, forget that he’s falling in love and forget that it’s only him falling.

“Well, if you spent more time in your room than in Seungwoo hyung’s.”

“Well, if you spent more time in your room than in Yohan’s.” He bickers back.

He was so off and done with today that he didn’t even know he was laughing, only that without missing a beat Seungyoun started laughing along.

_I really do like him._

“So you’re not angry?”  
“No, are you?”  
“Not anymore."  
“Good.”  
“Yeah, it’s exhausting being mad at you”

*

Seungyoun looked a lot more relaxed after driving Sihun home.   
And cheery.

Hangyul wondered if he just kept telling himself that they were just friends maybe he’d go back to consider his roommate a friendly companion.  
But as Seungyoun fell asleep after hours of pillow talk (from their respective beds) he realized that there was no way it could happen.

Not if Hangyul kept letting himself be played in these ambiguous dynamics they had.   
If he forgave him everything with the simplest apology, the simplest touch.

He loved him, but he couldn’t let himself be so weak for him.

  
He had to draw a line between what friends did and what lovers did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading guys!!! I'm so sorry it took me longer than expected, but my period kicked and i did nothing all day yesterday heheh  
anyways i hope you liked this, it's more Hangyul centered and Sihun is only relatively important, but i like the idea of them being really close, i feel like they're really different and would match really well.  
Also if you were around my twitter last night (my night, GMT+2) you know i really want to point out how i think neither of them is really ready to be with the other, seungyoun is too jealous and hangyul is too insecure about himself.  
It's gonna take more time, gyul needs to lear to be on his own (love himself more and seungyou less) and seungyoun needs to learn to let him and love him at the same time.
> 
> but yeah <3 i hope you liked it
> 
> you can find me @sun_shinejade


	3. For A Little Peace Of Mind - Yohan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hangyul is too busy falling in love to fall asleep and that's worrying him. So he goes to Yohan.  
Seungyoun is persistent. Hangyul manages to fall asleep, but he's still falling in love. And he still worries. So this time is Yohan that comes to him.  
And Hangyul goes to someone else.

_I'm so tired, I don't know what to do_  
_I'm so tired, my mind is set on you_  
_I wonder should I call you but I know what you would do_

_You'd say I'm putting you on_  
_But it's no joke, it's doing me harm_  
_You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain_  
_You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane_  
_You know I'd give you everything I've got_  
_For a little peace of mind_

* * *

Yohan was his partner.

That’s what he had answered back when they were about to debut and it’s probably what he would answer now if anyone asked him again.

‘_Partner_’ could mean a lot of things and that’s Yohan. Yohan meant a lot of things to him.

Hangyul could confidently say that the center boy in the few months between late summer and early winter had grown to be one of his closest friends. He didn’t trust himself with giving him any further titles because he’s been told he got attached too fast and he was paying the consequences of that with one of the members already (though he doubted he could ever see his same age friend the way he saw Seungyoun).

But yeah, if you considered that they didn’t bond with each other as much as they respectively did with others during the program, their friendship had managed to bloom unexpectedly strong and fast.  
Maybe it was because they were the same age or because they had the same sense of humor (it didn’t take much, you just had to laugh at literally anything) or maybe because they had as many things in common as much as they had differences and somehow those similarities and contrasts seemed to blend and mix perfectly with each other. (Wooseok and Minhee liked to joke that it was because they shared one brain cell.)

What Hangyul liked most about Yohan was the way he seemed to be always himself (charming, funny, giggly and just slightly awkward) and at the same time changed as the situation needed him or allowed him.

He was the cutest dongsaeng when the hyungs needed someone to tease or baby, the clingy one whenever he could, the extra loving hyung when the babies needed cheering up, but most importantly he was the same-aged friend Hangyul relied on every day.

It was only natural that he grew comfortable the most around him. With his growing affection for his roommate and later the growing complications in their dynamics, Hangyul had a dire necessity to find someone new he could laugh with and talk with and just be with, without having to overthink his every movement in fear of doing something weird or awkward or embarrassing. And Yohan was much more than an easy laugh. Hangyul wasn’t capable to put in words his connection with Yohan, he just knew it was there and they both went along with it day by day.

If they woke up and Yohan needed someone to talk to about the pressures of being the center, Hangyul was there.  
If Hangyul was in a gloomy state and didn’t want to talk, Yohan would put the saddest movie he could find and lock everyone out of the room.  
If one-day Hangyul wanted to play video games with someone even if he sucked, Yohan didn’t need to be asked twice (and he would beat his dancer friend with no remorse because Hangyul never liked to be handed victories out of pity).  
If Yohan was in the mood to crack horrible jokes all day, he could always count on Hangyul for reactions, which was saying something seeing how he liked putting on a stone face to tease people.

Lately, Hangyul mostly relied on Yohan (and Dongpyo’s) discretion.

He had been having trouble sleeping for the better part of the last two months, ever since that Sihun thing that happened over Chuseok. After almost a week of going to sleep at dawn only to be woken up by Hyeongjun after a couple of hours, one day he and Yohan had managed to cut some time to watch that new drama on Netflix all their fans had been begging for them to watch. Halfway, though his friends kept insisting it was more like ten minutes into the first episode, Hangyul just randomly collapsed on him and the black-haired boy almost screamed thinking his friend had passed out or something only to realize he was breathing fine and had started snoring almost instantly.

Yohan had him sit and not get up until Hangyul finally admitted to having problems getting much rest at night and the center boy had agreed to not inquire further for the time being as long as he promised to try and rest more, even if not at night, at 10 am or 2 pm just as long as he tried every day to cut himself even just twenty minutes of sleep. The other boy had agreed almost thankful for the offer, as long as he got to do it in his room (away from somewhere Seungyoun could see him), if he didn’t mention it with anybody and if he covered for him. It wasn’t like he was ashamed of taking naps or anything, but the number of times and hours that he spent sleeping in their room had increased worryingly over the past two months. And if anyone noticed, better yet, if one of the other members in particular noticed. Well… Seungyoun had a way of worrying and not stopping until he found the exact, precise reason for his friends’ problems. And Hangyul couldn’t really tell him, because the reason he couldn’t seem to ever fall asleep was the older boy himself.

At first he only thought of it as a too tired to sleep kind of thing, they were working on the new choreographies for special stages to do for the end of the year concerts and hopping to bed after such exhausting days was both so relaxing and invigorating and mixed with the way Seungyoun would ask him the weirdest questions about his life and preferences, he wasn’t so surprised at not falling asleep, so he just lay there rethinking and smiling to himself about their conversations.

After a while, he realized that after every midnight talk he would spend a good two hours thinking about what kind of answers Seungyoun gave him, what kind of questions he seemed prone to ask and thinks like that.

_Hangyul, _he thought to himself, _I don’t think that’s something friends do._

And so he tried to stop doing it, but every time his brain would let the guard down he was back to think dreamily about the way Seungyoun had fallen asleep as he talked to him, slurring his words obviously trying to stay awake. And so he, in the end, he ended up getting out of his bed at the darker hours to go to the living room, often not even bothering to actually turn up the volume so as not to wake the guys one the first floor. It wasn’t like he was truly watching anything anyway. Just hypnotizing himself in order to stop thinking about that cute, naturally flirty guy sleeping in his room. But the solution was short-lived because it didn’t change the fact that he barely slept and that he kept running into his (best) friend’s room to get the closest thing he could to a peaceful snooze. It was even worse when the past month, Seungwoo woke up in the middle of the night to pee and found him in his wide-awake state and demanded that he went and rest. After that, he knew their eldest hyung had started keeping an eye on him and Yohan had apologized for not locking the door two days later when Seungwoo barged in the room waking him up. He quickly played it as if he had gotten a cramp in his sleep the night before and couldn’t go back to sleep (as a specific scenario he figured it would have been less likely to sound made up) Seungwoo didn’t say anything but that same evening, thankfully while Seungyoun was showering, he passed him a bag of chamomile.

From that day he tried to avoid going in the living room for a few nights. He drank Seungwoo’s tea and just lay in bed trying not to be too attached to the way Seungyoun kept asking personal questions. As it seemed that his hyung grew more curious about Hangyul’s more personal information, he had started to remind himself every day that it was Seungyoun, who genuinely cared and loved everyone and he was pretty much everyone’s go-to person for emotional support and deep conversations and at the same time he couldn’t help but hope that maybe it was a sign of something shifting in their relationship. But he couldn’t bring himself to think too much about either train of thoughts. One making him slightly depressed and the other making him clearly delusional.

He tried, for a while, to imagine himself in Yohan’s room. Listening to his friend playing on his laptop or casually striking a conversation so that Hangyul never felt too awkward about falling asleep in other people’s rooms. But it didn’t work because he could hear the sound of Seungyoun breathing softly and the way he’d turn or slightly stretch in his sleep and he would start thinking. Thinking about how much he still liked him, how much he didn’t want to like him and how much no matter Hangyul’s efforts to be vague, uninterested and as uncooperative (and they were freaking hard and tiring efforts too, because all he wanted was to talk and know everything about the all-rounder) Seungyoun still seemed to enjoy talking to him every night. Making Hangyul’s feelings harder to fight and sleep harder to achieve.

He lost count of the times he had found himself smiling at the sound of Seungyoun muttering as he dreamt, or the way he would find himself worrying about how much longer he could keep up this facade of friendship when he really just wanted to run from or towards the black-haired rapper. And it wasn’t even the worst kind of sleepless nights.  
The worst were those three horrible times, all at the beginning of November when he was trashing and turning trying to find something to do to entertain himself and suddenly he stopped at the sound of a moan.

A _fucking_ moan.

High pitched and soft and breathy. And it wasn’t that kind of groan that sometimes Seungyoun did when he was particularly tired, it was an actual out-of-a-rated-video moan that immediately sent shiver down Hangyul’s spine (and somewhere further south too). And the dancer, completely lying still, had to wait before relaxing the tension that made his body go rigid, only to get stabbed in the back when Seungyoun let out that heavenly sound again, longer, breathier and at the same time louder. Hangyul tried to stop his body from reacting and lay completely still until Seungyoun stopped trashing and turning and making those sounds.

He couldn’t look at his hyung in the face the day after, what with the awareness that he had sneaked in the bathroom at five am (only hours away from the other members’ morning alarm) to take care of what his roommate had caused him.

Seungyoun was unaware of it, it seemed and the next two times it happened, Hangyul had literally jumped out of bed and went to hide in the kitchen. (He even got caught by Wooseok, but he really didn’t want to go back to his bed with the possibility of hearing those sinful yet completely innocent moans his friends was doing in his sleep.)

He knew he needed to find a solution and fast. Aside from the fact that he couldn’t spend much time with Seungyoun without falling further in love, he knew that Yohan was starting to seriously worry and if there was something he couldn’t let happen, didn’t want to happen, was for someone else to spend even just a second worrying about him. He remembered the concerned wrinkles on his mother and father’s faces or the way both his brothers would fret over him not texting at least every other day when he became a trainee and it was sort of fine if it was them (he still didn’t like it but he had learned not to fight it, they were family, it was in their nature to worry) but the ideathat any of his friends had to carry even just one percent of his burdens upset him. And although he never felt quite as comfortable with a friend as much as he did falling asleep on Dongpyo’s bed with Yohan next to him playing with his phone with one hand while the other caressed his head like you would a child, he felt incredibly guilty for taking advantage of the athlete’s nurturing instincts. (Yohan had said more than once that it was natural because Hangyul was the maknae at home while he was the older brother and laughed as the dancer made puking sounds at the word ‘oppa’.)

He thought that maybe if he just found a way to stop those midnight talks with Seungyoun he wouldn’t spend so much overthinking of why was his hyung so interested in him, wouldn’t fool himself into thinking that maybe his love wasn’t as one-sided as he thought. And they could go back to spend their time together just being stupid which was a lot less confusing and lovable than having to hear the all-rounder talk about that time when he was nineteen and he spent two weeks trying to recreate a Portuguese dish he used to eat at his teammate’s house when he lived in Brazil.

*

The need to find a way out became even stronger with the impromptu sleepover in the living room.  
He should have known something was up when Seungyoun had told them to go fetch his’ mother’s packages because he never gave up an opportunity to get out of the house or drive around even for just a few minutes. But they’ve had nothing to do for a few days and fewer things to do meant more free time and more free time meant being around his roommate more which meant more feelings and less sleep. So he didn’t question the order, ready to get away from him for an hour or so to just chill in the car with Seungwoo hyung and Yohan, though the two older boys had Hangyul promise not to even think about driving, not trusting his lack of proper rest.

Coming back home was confusing at first, their living room completely different from the way they left it, but in a good way, because the kids were waiting for them with the most exciting sparkling eyes.

It was, in all honesty, one of the best nights Hangyul had in a while. Relaxing and chaotic at the same time, not having any need to restrain himself from saying too much about himself or learn even more about the guy he was in love with because his time was taken by the kids and Seungyoun was more content with watching from afar his own little sleepover unfold. And by the end of the night, Hangyul felt so spent that he swore he could just lay down on any corner of the room and fall into a deep sleep. Without even registering his own movements he naturally went for what his brain had recognized as his pillow and covers (and his small bear in a tiger suit plushie) to lay down and close his eyes. He told himself he didn’t register Seungyoun getting down on the floor next to him, but in the past months, Hangyul had developed a sort of sixth sense and just knew that the older was there, looking at him softly. He didn’t really think about what to say, just knew that he had to say something because the feeling of Seungyoun’s eyes on him made blood rush through his vain and up to his ears and cheeks. What he ended up saying was only partly a lie, he had known that lately, his roommate had been keeping an eye on him, even asking him explicitly if he had trouble sleeping, but also he didn’t think or understand the whole point in reassessing their apartment for a sleepover. Nonetheless, the idea was cute and it did surely tire out Hangyul, so maybe he could actually get some sleep tonight.

But of course, his heart wasn’t going to let that happen because that wasn’t how things worked for him, as in easily, things never really worked easily for the dancer. He felt his skin tingle for a second, shivering almost, like when a scrap of metal visibly shakes for a moment before being pulled completely flush to the magnet. Then for a few seconds, small, pale and delicate fingers were on his wrist and all traces of slumber leaped awake to the beat of his heart, banging against his ribcage. He tried to shift his body in the least suspicious way, trying to pass it off as he was casually getting in a more comfortable position. His eyes remained shut, not trusting himself with the strength to see his friend lying so close to him in the deem lights and his hands moved to rest between the pillow and his face, far from the other boys reach.

Seungyoun started murmuring things, about how he and the other boys had managed to work in sync so well preparing this little pillow fort and how it had been such a wholesome way to both bond and release the tension and then when Hangyul thought that maybe he could get his heartbeat back to normal and try to sleep, the older boy just took his hand from under his head and held it tightly. His eyes fly open and locked with the smaller, fox-like ones as he heard Seungyoun barely whisper about how he had done this for him, to be awake with him if he really couldn’t get him to sleep.

As he noticed just how tired and sleepy his hyung was, he decided not to fight the vice grip the usually graceful fingers had on his palm and for a moment as Seungyoun drifted to sleep, he let himself wonder if maybe all this effort masked feelings mirroring his, feelings a lot more romantic than friendship. He squeezed the other hand tighter, before letting go because even if he really wasn’t reading too much into this situation, and he knew he was, it didn’t change the fact that he still wasn’t sure it was right given their careers situation.

He lay awake for a few seconds, still as a statue, his palm barely even grazing his hyung’s before completely letting go and turning away from the peaceful form of his roommate. He barely even looked at him, knowing it was going to be one of the most breathtaking views he’d see in his lifetime. But now sleep simply couldn’t find him and he was lost pacing in his mind, among concerns of where he stood and what kind of relationship truly was the one he shared with the 96-liner; among contemplation of just how much Seungyoun both made him the happiest and most miserable being on the planet. And as he finally heard Dohyon, the last one standing, let out soft huffs of even breathing he got up and sat with his back to the wall, hoping to somehow bore himself to sleep or collapse from worrying or love (could one collapse because of either thing?).

Yohan stirred in his sleep, groaning louder than a normal person and Hangyul winced as he saw Seungyoun stir in his sleep as well. But he said nothing, mostly because if he had addressed his same-aged friend wrongly he was likely to downright scream at the top of his lungs. So he stayed seated with his legs up, chin resting on his knees trying to understand what to do with himself. Yohan disappeared for a moment and Hangyul heard the sound of the fridge opening and the clear sound of water trickling down. He was back in a wink and Hangyul looked up as he heard his friend gasp.

“Dear gosh, Gyul. You almost scared me. What are you doing still up?” He asked from across the room.

“Can’t sleep.”

Without meaning to, Hangyul got up from his spot, slowly stretching his tired legs. At the same time, Yohan had gone back to his place between the kids and patted the thick covers next to him “It’s time to sleep, man. It’s almost 4.”

He walked up to Yohan, feeling like he could maybe go to sleep if he had his friend keeping an eye on him and distracting him from the lovely sight that was the young man that was making him lose his mind.  
He was almost half asleep already, but Yohan was finally voicing his worries and Hangyul wished he could come up with something to make him less distressed. 

“You should do something about it, you know. I’m happy that you always come to me, but I’m starting to get worried. I know that Seungwoo’s herb tea isn’t working. Maybe you should ask Seungyoun hyung, I’m sure he’d like to help you.”

“I’m not asking Seungyoun hyung.” It was the only thing he could say, counting that anything else Yohan said was true. He had to do something about it.

“Why? Is everything okay?”  
“Yeah, yeah I just-“ Hangyul sighed not knowing where to find the courage to actually explain what was happening to him. “I don’t know, I think he’d worry too much… I don’t want to see him getting worried because I can’t get a grip on myself.”It was a rather vague way to put it, but it wasn’t a lie at all, he reasoned trying not to feel guilty about keeping certain thrust from his friend.

“Hangyullie, I’ve been meaning to ask you this for a while now.” Sometimes it was still heartwarming and surprising how unbelievable soft Yohan’s voice could be. “The reason you can’t sleep, is the same as last time isn’t it? When you used to come to sleep in my room right after our debut, isn’t it?”Hangyul almost shuddered at the memory. Back then it was so confusing to be so close to Seungyoun and yet so far. Now it was the same yet the complete opposite.

“You used to come to me and say Seungyoun hyung was making you uncomfortable back then, but you seem fine these days. Do you-” he stopped him there, knowing that deep in his heart the black-belt had worked things out a long time ago. Yohan knew exactly why Hangyul was so damn uncomfortable and at the same time so at home with Seungyoun.

“Yohan.” He muttered sleepily, focusing on the slow motion of his friend’s finger running through his locks. “Can we talk about it another day? I just need to sleep for a little while.”

It only took a couple of breaths after Yohan had agreed and started humming in his ear and he was off to dreamland.

*

He and Yohan were the last to wake up the morning after, and when they did the living room was almost back to the way it used to. For some reason Seungyoun was sad and Hangyul didn’t see him at all after breakfast. He wondered if it was because he was sorry or embarrassed or regretful. But it was stupid because why would the older feel any of those sentiments only for taking Hangyul’s hand in his. The dancer had to remind himself that just because his world stopped for a moment when their fingers interlaced, for Seungyoun it was probably nothing out of the ordinary and was probably with Wooseok or Seungwoo now holding their hands as he did his in an utter and innocent platonic friendship.

He spent the day watching dramas with Yohan, forcing himself to pay attention and fearing that his 99-friend would suddenly bring up that question he was about to ask him the night before and while his friend did side glanced him throughout the afternoon, he mostly kept quiet until it was time for dinner.

Hangyul wasn’t completely over the nervousness at the idea of facing Seungyoun, the last time they actually talked the older had been so soft, both in tone and in meaning and the dancer had wanted nothing more than to let the warmth of their joint hands spread across his body and melt him like it melt his heart. But at the same time, he couldn’t let it happen, because falling in love meant putting both his heart and career at risk. And because he was coward, not that it was any news. (But exactly because it wasn’t anything new he had to get over it fast, just like he had forced himself the last time.)

He was overthinking again, he knew. But he couldn’t help it and his thoughts guided him as he went through with his nightly routine, knowing exactly how to move in sync with his roommate. He had lost track of what was happening until he was in bed and Seungyoun was getting down next to him after turning off the main light.

“W..What are you doing, hyung?”  
“I’m staying here. With you. Until you fall asleep.” He looked at Seungyoun only slightly, aware of how the size of the bed made them far closer than the night before.

“Hyung…” his voice came out barely whisper and maybe it was better like that. He wasn’t sure what kind of sentence could come out from his mouth, what with the way he felt intoxicated at the proximity of his hyung.  
“Don’t even try. I know all about it and you can come to me anytime, you know that right?” At the sound of his solemn tone, Hangyul tried to face him better, nodding slightly, completely forgetting how to breathe or how to come up with an actual answer “Good.”  
Seungyoun turns with his back on the mattress but not without taking his hand in his.

Seungyoun led the conversation as he always did, talking about all the things that still worried him and Hangyul couldn’t help but feel useless because even if Seungyoun was trying to confide in him, he couldn’t bring himself to truly listen or move or just stay there next to the guy he liked.

Seungyoun stopped abruptly and sighed.

“I thought we were going, good.”

“We are hyung.”And technically it wasn’t even a lie, because all was good between them, yet Hangyul was now reaching that point of one-sided loving that brought him more pain than joy.

“Then why do you never come to talk to me about your problems?”

He tried to find the words, some words. Something other than_because I love you and being close to the idea that all those smiles and questions and soft touches don’t make you feel the way I feel is just as scary as the idea that they do_. Something that wouldn’t sound like _I can’t come to you because I love you and the fact that even if you ever found it in yourself to love me too, I know we can’t risk ruining what we have now and what we’ve fought so hard to achieve_. _Because if you ever become the person I go for comfort I might never find the strength in myself to let you go_.

“I don’t want you to be that for me.” And it didn’t sound at all like his true thoughts, but at the same time, the message was somewhat similar enough.  
“I don’t want to burden you with those things. You’re my funny hyung and I want you to stay like that, the person I go to laugh with.” He wanted to focus on that, because if he thought that it was hard to have a crush on funny Seungyoun, it was but a mere children game in comparison to loving profound, intelligent, caring Seungyoun.

“But I _want_ to be that for you. It’s not a burden and it doesn’t mean I’ll stop making you laugh. But I still want you to come to me when you have something going on in your head.” Hangyul tried to stop his heart from skipping a beat at the way his hyung was stressing his desire to be by his side. And to think a few months ago Hangyul would have done anything to hear him say all these things. But he didn’t fully realize back then just how difficult it was going to be: loving someone you had to work every day with, someone who saw you as a dongsaeng to take care of and a friend to joke with.  
“You can’t just pretend everything is fine and not sleep at night and then nap in Dongpyo’s bed.”

Hangyul couldn’t stop his head from snapping at that sentence, now having the confirmation that Seungyoun did know.

“You have a perfectly comfortable bed here and I’ve been told I have a really nice singing voice. So promise me, you’ll come to me first next time.” As Hangyul had been so stuck in his head he had missed just how close they were, it was like the all-rounder had unconsciously moved closer to him as he spoke and now the younger could feel the other’s breath softly caressing his nose and cheeks. He was sure he heard his own breath hitch and he had to bite his tongue to avoid acting on the impulse that told him_ to hell with consequences just fucking kiss him!   
_But (un)fortunately Seungyoun moved away, facing the ceiling once again, slowly caressing Hangyul’s hand with his thumb.

“We can do something like this. Talking about our days until it’s late. And then I can sing you something, or you can sing me something.”

He hated just how much his heart warmed at the mental image and from then on he was too busy keeping his heart at bay and his mind in check to truly pay attention. Before he could even notice, Seungyoun was back to being ever so slightly towering over him, his weight on his arm as he raised his hand to pass it across his eyelids, forcing them closed.

“Goodnight, Hangyullie.”

He wanted to find a way to stop him, but for a second he thought that maybe, just for one night, he could do this and go back to his quest to move on the day after.

*

Hangyul was weak and a coward and in the end he let himself go to the sound of his hyung’s voice almost every night even if it made him feel things in his belly.

And all went on like that, nothing changed in the dynamics of the seungyul/chogyul ship (apparently that was what people called them) not on the outside at least, but every day was a little different for Hangyul.  
Now he was reaching that stage when you were so in love with someone you shouldn’t love to the point he was coming to hate when Seungyoun gave him any kind of attention, only making him hope for a relationship that was never gonna happen, that shouldn’t ever happen between two people working and living together.

But he couldn’t bring himself to not give in whenever the all-rounder took his hand, put some background music and started talking about anything.

He only managed to find his strength when at the beginning of the new year, Yohan told him that sometime the night before he had come to return a sweatshirt he had borrowed and he heard Seungyoun singing. And there was an unsure, unspoken fear in Yohan’s facial expression as he asked if the two roommates were in love and he had found himself shout that no it was never going to happen because that was risky and unprofessional and problematic. And the older of the 99line smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes.  
“More than worrying about the career, I’d rather you worried about your well being and feelings.” He said with a long huff. “I know how you feel about him. I’ve seen it for a long time, the two of you playing that little tippy-toes game waiting for someone to do something.” Yohan sounded frustrated for a moment.  
“I don’t know what’s going on, but I’ve been trying to understand since the very start. So if you don’t wanna tell me the details, don’t. I can understand and I’m bad with secrets anyway, but I think you should do something whether or not you plan to try and pursue him.”

Hangyul nodded along, saying how he knew that he was one of Seungyoun’s favorite but it wasn’t anything in the romantic attraction spectrum so he doubted the older felt the same way, but he was into deep now and he didn’t know what to do anymore.  
Yohan remained silent for a moment before slowly lifting his head up with an unsure look and replied to his friend a single name.

*

He knocked on the door once waiting for the voice at the other side to tell him he could come in.  
The older boy smiled as he saw his dongsaeng step in.  
“What is it, Gyullie?”

“There’s something I wanted to ask you, Seungwoo hyung. It’s about the rooms.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took so muuuuuuuuch.  
I truly hope you like this, we're slowly getting closer to a plot of some sort.  
I'm sorry for making you wait.  
This is relying a lot on the other fic for the conversations that we've seen there already, I hope it still goes smoothly enough though.  
I hope the fact that it was Hangyul was the one to ask Seunwoo wasn't too predictable, because since I've decided it a long time ago I already knew it all along.  
I love reading and replying to your comments, so if you have some time it would make me really happy to know what you guys think.  
love y'all !!!  
I'll try to come back as soon as i can cuz I really can't wait to continue..
> 
> you can come to reach out for me if you have time to spare on twitter @sun_shinejade  
(or curiuscat me if you want hehe)  
<3 <3 <3


	4. I Don't Think I Can Let Go of You - Seungwoo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It happens again.  
Hangyul is in love and the only way to move on is to break his heart and build it back up on his own.

너도 나만큼 혼자  
부서져 본다면 알게 될까  
가슴이 터질 듯  
날 가득 채운 통증과  
얼마나 너를 원하고 있는지

이미 너는 내게 대답한 걸 알아  
대답 없는 대답의 의미  
다 알면서도  
난 모르는 척 맴도는데

요즘 나는 어떤 줄 아니  
편히 잠을 잘 수도  
뭘 삼켜낼 수도 없어

널 바라보다  
점점 망가져 가는 날 알긴 할까  
죽을 것 같아도  
넌 내게 올 리 없대도  
딴 곳만 보는 너란 걸 알아도

그런 너를 난  
놓을 순 없을 것 같아

_If you break down as much as me_  
_Will you know?_  
_All the pain that fills me_  
_To the point where my heart is about to explode_  
_How much I want you?_

_I know you already answered me_  
_I know the meaning of an answerless answer_  
_But I pretend not to know and I’m lingering_

_Do you know how I’m doing these days?_  
_I can’t even fall asleep_  
_I can’t even swallow anything_

_Do you know that I’m becoming more ruined_  
_As I look at you?_  
_I feel like dying_  
_Even though there’s no way you’ll come to me_  
_Even though I know you’re looking somewhere else_

_I don’t think I can let go of you_

* * *

The room always had something homely in itself.  
It should, after all, they’ve been living in the dorms for half a year now, so technically it is home. But still, there was something about the room that made him almost as comfortable as if he was on his own, sometimes even more.

His eyes focused back on the man in front of him who was looking back expectantly.

It was him, he guessed.  
Dongpyo was half right all those months back when he said he felt like Dad.  
Not exactly to Hangyul, he didn’t see Seungwoo hyung as a father figure, but there was something about their leader that definitely felt like home: sometimes strict and serious, sometimes funny and mischievous, sometimes down to earth and laid back, sometimes an invincible, untouchable hero.  
Always there, always caring, always loving.

Hangyul found the guts in himself to meet his eyes and almost felt guilty about the worry he found in his hyung’s eyes.

“Is there something wrong?” Seungwoo took a step forward placing a hand on the younger’s shoulder, touch light and firm at the same time.

He stuttered something that vaguely sounded like _‘nothing don’t worry’_ but then again he wasn’t really sure about it with the way his heart was pounding in his ears at the idea of actually having this conversation.

He stayed there fidgeting for a moment, his bare feet shifting every few seconds uncertainly, _maybe I should have remembered to wear my slippers in case Seungwoo doesn’t like having people walking barefoot?_

It was something his mom used to tell him all the time, to stop going around the house with nothing on his feet, not that he ever worked out what that was about.

Seungwoo looked uncertain on whether he was supposed to look worried or anything: a somber Hangyul was an unusual Hangyul and it didn’t seem right.

“So… You wanted to talk about the rooms, you said.” He started, testing the waters.  
“Is this about the set up again? I mean I’m all for it, but as I said to Seungyoun, if you guys want to install neon lights and paint the walls in your room, you should talk about it with the managers first, I’m no expert on how many changes we can do on the asset of the house.”

Hangyul’s face felt torn between smiling and wincing. He tried not to think about the stars in his roommate's eyes the night he kept telling him about how he wanted to improve the room.  
We_ should put… or hang _our_ posters…  
_We_ could move this… I think it'd be better for _us_ to just…_

That mixed with the way the older was every day more comfortable with invading Hangyul’s personal space was taking a heavy toll on his inner strength to not walk up to him and assault his annoying, perfectly pink lips.  
Yeah, that would have been most definitely awkward.  
He wanted to have the strength to continue this without reading too much into it, but he loved Seungyoun too much not to die a little every time he had to remind himself that there wasn’t an actual _We,_ _us or our_.

He so needed to put an end on this.

He took a deep breath and looked at Seungwoo straight in the eyes.

“I think it’s time to switch rooms.” His voice was a little shy and rushed, and even while trying to keep the pacing calm he knew he sounded on edge. “We could do it over the weekend I guess, or maybe on Thursday since Yohan has that filming thing.”

“Okay. It’s been in the talks for a while but why are you so eager? Did something happen that I should know?”

“I- I’m not sure if I should tell you this. Or how to say it.”

“Hangyul, if there are problems in the group you know how it goes, we talk it out. Like always. If there are misunderstandings or fights we need to be understanding and honest.” Seungwoo sounded truly anxious for a moment.

“No” He rushed waving his hands up. “No one is fighting, don’t worry.”

“Then what’s the problem, Gyul?”

“It’s not really a problem, I mean I guess it’s sort of a one-sided problem… But we’re- they’re not fighting.” He hoped his little slip of tongue went unnoticed since he was muttering anyway.

“Who is _not-_fighting then?”

He appreciated it, he truly did, because by the way his leader was looking at him, he knew the older already half knew the answer.

“I don’t think I should be the one to say it. They could think it’s embarrassing to be outed like this.”

Seungwoo took a nice deep breath and looked at him kindly.

“Okay… Well then can you at least tell me what is it that’s happening that you think we should reassess the rooms?”

“I… Well, I’ve been observing them?” The older nodded along to signal him to keep going. “And well, there are two members who’ve gotten really close these past few weeks. Like really close.”

“Close like friends close or like brotherly close? Like you and Seungyoun?”

_Low blow. _No lie, his heartfelt figuratively stabbed.  
Seungwoo wasn’t looking at him, his eyes searching the room unnaturally and only ever stealing glances as Hangyul thought of how to reply.  
“No, not exactly.” He said ignoring the sting he felt at the word ‘brotherly’. “I was thinking more along the lines of Jinhyuk hyung and Wooseok hyung.”

“Jinhyuk and Wooseok?” Seungwoo’s face morphed in amused curiosity, then for a split second confusion and then one last time in realization. “Oh. _Oh.”_

The leader took more than a few breaths, engines clearly turning his brain. Hangyul felt oxygen slowly running out and his lungs felt too small to properly breathe as he waited for a further reaction of some kind.

“So, they’re getting _romantically_ involved with one another? Is that what you’re saying.”

It felt strange to hear it out loud and so formal. Most of the time he thought of where he stood with Seungyoun, he just thought _fuck I love him._  
‘Romantically involved with one another’ sounded far too technical for the mess inside his head.

But he found himself nodding anyways.

“And you think that is a problem?” He nodded again, once slowly and closing his eyes to avoid betraying the pain he felt through his expression.

“And why do you say so?”

Hangyul felt the words die on his lips as he tried not to let his expression betray how much this conversation meant to him, yet hurt him at the same time.

“Is it because we’re a group and getting involved with one another might be problematic in the long run?” Hangyul nodded again, gulping guiltily.

“Do you not think it’s good for the members involved to have that kind of bond?”

Seungwoo talked to him the way you talk to kids and had it been a different situation Hangyul would have hated it, but at that moment he was glad to not have to do anything much but nodding in agreement.

“I’m happy that you came to me then and I’m happy you’re mature enough to think about the well-being of the group and our activities. But I suppose it would be better to talk it out with them. Wouldn’t you say?” Seungwoo already knew, there was no way he didn’t know, not when he kept looking at Hangyul like that.

“No. I mean, I don’t think it would help, it would only make things awkward. It’s better to just make sure they don’t continue this way.”

“But why though? After all, love can be a great incentive for some people, so why split them apart if they love each other?”

Hangyul felt his heart skip a beat, but this time not in a heart-fluttering way. More painful and haunting.

“They don’t love each other. That’s the problem.”

It was barely a whisper, but with the way Seungwoo’s head snapped in his direction, he knew that the older had heard him loud and clear.

“But- you said…”  
“They’re getting closer. That much is obvious, there is something shifting in their relationship, but it’s not the same for both of them.” He said and as he proceeded to describe it he felt the need to say it just a little bit louder. He needed to do this and he needed Seungwoo to understand that it was not just a random request. It was pained as much as it was real.

“One of them… well, he’s very affectionate. But he likes skinship in general and regularly does it with other members too.” He smiled in despite the sadness that arose inside of him, because through all the pain he did love Seungyoun and almost no one (_one_) ever made him smile the way he did. “But it doesn’t change that I’ve seen how the other reacts and to him that skinship means a lot more… He seems to be trying to hold back, but it’s clear that every day that goes by he looks like he’s falling in love.” He chuckled soullessly, the kind you only ever let out to make people less tense, but it didn’t do anything to lift his spirits up.

He thought of the way he found himself stealing glances and laughing and grinning like a lovesick puppy whenever Seungyoun would crack a joke (and how he never saw the all-rounder look at him that way).

“So, it’s one-sided?”

Hangyul nodded, feeling the bitterness taint the sadness reigning heavy on his chest.

“Are you sure?”

He scoffed at his own misery “There’s no way it’s reciprocated. We’re- They’re just good friends, brothers one would say.”

Seungwoo looked pensive for a moment, putting his chin over his left palm.

“I know that if I don’t say names and keep things this vague it’s hard to understand, but even if you don’t please believe me.”

Seungwoo looked up the moment he heard those words and Hangyul forced to fill his eyes with determination.

“Maybe they could love each other one day, but now? I’m pretty sure it won’t happen, it’s all a big misunderstanding. It’s so easy to mistake what’s platonic and what’s romantic, but once you make that mistake it’s hard to go back to see the other person as a friend. So it’s better for them to just be apart some time to avoid making it worse. I can’t let it endanger the other 9 members and it will, because I’ve seen how he’s falling in love. How fast and how deeply. It’s horrible to say and if you knew who I’m talking about you may not agree with me, but it’s better to break his heart now before it’s too late.  
In another life maybe the risk is worth taking, but not now. Not with what we have and what we’ve been through these past six months. The scandal is not completely over us and if something like this makes our group weak in any way, then it can’t happen.”

He didn’t sound like he wasn’t talking about himself, not with how cruel it all sounded to his own ears and for a second there he thought he could fool Seungwoo, but as he finished speaking his eyes started burning with what felt like tears.

“But what if it could work between them? Maybe I could talk to them, see that they are clear to what they mean to each other.”

“Would you risk it? If it was you, hyung. If you found out that Yohan loved you and you only felt friendship for him would you rather Wooseok forced you to talk it out or would you rather find a more subtle way to make sure you contained the situation?

If you fell in love with Wooseok, knowing he doesn’t feel the same, would you ruin one of the best friendships you ever had and risk putting the whole group in a tight spot because you don’t want to admit that you’re living a bad case of unrequited love?Would you risk making things awkward or tense?”

Seungwoo was left speechless and Hangyul sighed, feeling physically tired about his ending speech. When they’re eyes met, the younger had to blink away the threatening tears as he shrugged half-heartedly.

“I didn’t come to force you, hyung. I just wanted you to know what I think because I felt like I needed your advice.” He said getting up and walking away. “You don’t have to answer now, but please think about it, okay?” Seungwoo nodded but mostly to himself and not like an actual reply to Hangyul.

“What if I observe them and think switching rooms is not the best way to intervene? Will you consider having the two parties discuss it?”

Hangyul shivered at the mere idea of having to talk to Seungyoun, having to confront one of his closest members about how things had to change once more between them to avoid falling deeper in love. He didn’t want that.

“Anything else will just make things strange.” He said not looking at his hyung and opening the door. “But if you really want it, yes. It’s either that or closing an eye to what might become a problem later on.”  
Seungwoo nodded and before the main dancer could fully step out of the door he added:

“I didn’t know you were such a cynic, Hangyul.”  
“It’s not cynicism, hyung. More like realism. You don’t know how it is like to always end up in these situations, I do and I don’t want it to happen to u- to them. Unrequited love is never easy on either part.”

*

Seungwoo took a few days to decide.  
Those days were uneasy and painfully slow. His brain kept telling him not to fret too much, that they had a wise and great leader who most definitely knew how to handle everything. But he felt observed and watched and he caught the eldest hyung looking at him and Seungyoun every now and then, with a somber and serious expression. He didn’t really know what he was dreading until he was in the kitchen alone one morning, looking around to see what he could cook and the main vocalist came up to him and whispered in his ear. “Okay, let’s do it your way.”

They chose the end of January, for the new year, and it felt both too far away and too early and maybe Hangyul wasn’t ready to truly change how things were with his roommate. But then again he was never going to be ready, he loved him too much for that, so it was just right to switch whenever.

He gave himself a small window of self-indulgence. Played along with his overly affectionate friend, trying not to hope too much when the older whispered in his ear and stood too close, but at the same time not fighting it, not running away.  
It was selfish and maybe leaning a little towards self-harming, but he knew it was his last chance to have this kind of intimacy with Seungyoun. After switching rooms he was set on forgetting the all-rounder for good. He really didn’t need another heartbreak as wearying as the last one.

And by the time Seollal came, he was actually quite eager to leave it all behind, following Seungwoo like a lost puppy and clinging to his side.

Hangyul wasn’t going to lie to himself, getting used to not having Seungyoun around was a lot harder than he had imagined. A small (_huge_) part of him still looked for the older every day, first thing in the morning. He hated waking up in general and even back with Seungyoun he took fifteen minutes to warm up into the usual good mood and vitality, but seeing the guy with his bad case of bed hair each morning made it easier and faster to drop the daily grumpiness. The first day he actually felt bad for Seungwoo, they weren’t used to being around each other so much and he always imagined there was a reason if his hyung always chose to stay on his own, but it was a stupid thing to worry about. He and Seungwoo clicked almost immediately as roommates. Sure, he took a bit more to load in the mornings but their leader was always patient and actually played along easily, making sure there was hot latte (with just a hint of coffee) waiting for Hangyul on his bedside table. He laughed at Hangyul’s antics and never missed anything the younger said, no matter how stupid or hushed, the older was ready to answer, react or joke along.

And when Seungwoo wasn’t enough, he clung to Yohan (how much he came to rely on his friend was always fascinating and heartwarming even to himself). And in no time he actually managed to get used to falling asleep without the awareness of Seungyoun looking at him and without their usual midnight talks. He knew it was going to take some time more, before actually moving on, but now he could breathe easier. He only thought about the boy he loved when he was left on his own or when the latter smiled too brightly.  
And when he did, well… it was easier to find distractions when Seungyoun wasn’t all over him. It was a strange change at first, but he never realized how much of the time they spent together was due to the fact that they slept in the same room.

He still saw the older lots, of course, they still lived in the same apartment and they still fooled around together but now, without the whole seeing him first thing in the morning, the last thing before falling asleep, after shower and during rest breaks, Hangyul was starting to go back to only having a crush-like love for him. Longing and loving to see him, but without feeling the need to jump him, hug him, kiss him and profess his undying love.  
It felt like a little bit of his sanity was coming back and he started to even hope that maybe his feelings might fade out on their own, no need to violently break his own heart as he thought.

That’s what he kept him deep in thoughts as Yohan hummed to Bolbbalgan4 under the rain. There was something so familiar and mellow about this kind of drives when even afternoon felt like midnight driving. He used to be an expert on those two years back, when he was the one on the wheel and the one humming wasn’t his age nor a friend.

He spent the ride shutting off completely his two companions and after his same-aged friend realized there was really no point in striking a conversation with him he and Dongpyo started to play ‘guess the song’ leaving Hangyul alone with his thoughts. He was so contempt, something about that day felt like a turn of events as if the rain was there to wash away all of his problems.  
He had been waiting for the cold for so long and when it got there they were busy with schedules. Only now he could finally take it in and appreciate it. It was the kind of weather that set the mood, that hit him refreshingly in the face and filled him with excitement as he ran through the puddles as a little boy. It was the kind of weather that brought him back to his dad fussing over the draft from the window in the kitchen and his mom wrapping him in heavy blankets. (For a second it was the weather that brought him back to the KBS Human Resources Development Centre that had terrible heating in the middle of December, days clinging to his hyungs after training without their jackets, gladly taking the cold over their heated skin.)

It was the kind of weather that he never even noticed because he was too busy with promotions and burning up from the inside every time he was with Seungyoun.  
Maybe he could convince Seungwoo hyung to let them sleep with the window open, he had missed the sound of the rain and maybe he could fall asleep with a lullaby that he liked almost as much as he liked his most recent one.

After a couple of hours, though it could have been easily thirty minutes or the whole day for Hangyul, Yohan was getting out the car in a familiar underground parking lot. It took him a confusing minute to realize the were back home and, while his friend gently woke up Dongpyo who had fallen asleep in the back seat, he tried to regain full focus on what time it was and where they were.

Dongpyo was half asleep and ten times cuter than usual, so when he asked if they could make a slight detour by foot before going up to the dorm, neither of the 99-line had it in them to say no.

They walked in almost complete silence, with the youngest of the three humming sometimes loudly sometimes quietly girl group songs. Only when they got to the entrance of the convenience store Hangyul realized that Yohan was laughing at him for whistling along to Love Rum Pum Pum.

The trip to buy snacks was enough to give Hangyul part of his loud energy and leave behind the emotional thinking.

He was sorry for their neighbors as they walked and laughed recalling all the embarrassing moments from the past year, they were being so loud he had to check if they had closed the door twice, the usual clicking sound of the lock drowned out by their noise.

The house was silent when they arrived and if it wasn’t for the fact that the lights were on he would have thought it to be empty. The two others were already halfway up the stairs laughing but the silence in the apartment had made them unconsciously tone it down a few decibels. Hangyul was about to join them, only dropping by the kitchen to drink some water when he heard Seungwoo somewhere from the single room.

Seungyoun’s room.

He didn’t understand what he said, but he made out the tone easily: serious and calm, like that time Hangyul told him about … _them._

Seungyoun replied something, too quietly for the main dancer to comprehend and he knew he should’ve let them be, but curiosity took over him and he stepped closer to the door. Maybe if he knocked or something he wouldn’t have to eavesdrop and maybe they’d let him stay with them and he wouldn’t feel like he’s spying on them. But his knuckles stopped halfway as he managed to hear the next few sentences clearly, without even concentrating.

_“You don’t need to worry, hyung. I know how this job works and I would never dream of doing anything that might _jeopardize_ our position as _a rookie_ group. So don’t ever imply anything that includes me, Hangyul and the word love. It’s not happening and it’s never gonna happen, so don’t bother making a fuss. Hangyul is a friend, but there is no way in this life that I will ever feel anything deeper than friendly camaraderie.”_

Hangyul feels his world stop moving, his head is suddenly dizzy and though he’s only hearing things he already feared himself, he still felt his world collapse under his feet.

_“Anything I might have done that made it seem otherwise was simply misread and I will do my best to avoid ever behaving in an ambiguous manner.”_

He couldn’t move, he couldn’t think and most importantly he couldn’t breathe.  
His ears were buzzing as if someone had just shot a bullet right next to his head. Was he going momentarily deaf?  
The weight on his chest made him light on his head and he felt close to breaking down, not knowing what to do with himself.  
He could hear the muttering but he was more taken with the way he had started to tear up without meaning to.

Before any tear could escape and fall to his cheeks he ran up the stairs and to his room, opening the window widely, letting the air hit him square in the face. But it was too late. The invigorating cold winter breeze only made the tears slowly pouring down feel warmer against his cheeks. He let them flow freely, keeping the window open and throwing himself on the bed.

He couldn’t even process what he had heard, couldn’t bring himself to think about it or what exactly had been said. He only knew it hurt and it hurt too bad to think about it. He closed his eyes and turned to face the wall when he heard steps coming his way.

“Looks like he fell asleep, hehe. He did look out of it the whole drive.” He could feel behind closed eyelids, the small chink projecting the light of the hallway to the side of his face and he tried hard not to move his face muscles as a reflex. “Let’s just wake him up before dinner.”

He almost did fall asleep, but it felt more like a trance or a coma where he couldn’t form a single sentence that made sense in his head.  
The only thing he did was replay that speech Seungyoun had said and his heart and head bled at each word.

A little bit later he heard someone coming in and switching on the light for a moment. The breeze was gone and a thick blanket was set over him. Hangyul felt the tips of his toes and finger burning in contrast to the new warmth and somehow that made him feel even more pitiful.

He tried to go back downstairs, now that his face didn’t feel one step away from breaking into ugly crying. After the first scare and tears, he wasn’t sure he could even cry in this situation. In all honesty, he wasn’t sure if he could feel anything at all.

But then Seungyoun came out of his room for dinner and yes, Hangyul could _feel_. And he felt strongly.

_‘don’t ever imply anything that includes me, Hangyul and the world love’_

Hangyul tensed as he saw him, lungs already clogging up again.

_‘Hangyul is a friend, but there is no way in this life that I will ever feel anything deeper than friendly camaraderie’_

He got up, more clumsy than usual, and muttered some sort of excuse before going back to his room.

_‘It’s not happening and it’s never gonna happen, so don’t bother making a fuss.’_

He felt like screaming and tossing and turning and more than anything he wanted to beat himself because he had known this. He had known that Seungyoun was never going to feel that way, but still it broke his heart.

He spent an hour not knowing what to think, what to do.  
And as he stared outside, he observed the small drops of water chasing after the other on the window and recalled that thing about counting to five to keep the anger at bay.  
He wondered if it worked even with sadness.

But of course, it didn’t. He scoffed at his own misery, happy that Seungwoo was busy cooking.

And he did something he knew he was gonna regret at a certain point, because it meant getting worried texts all over again, asking if he needed a distraction or someone to talk to. But they helped him last time, maybe they could do it again.

“Hey, hyung.”  
“Hangyul-ah… what’s with the tone?”

He wasn’t sure why was he even surprised that Giseok had heard it in literally two words, but that was enough for him to lose all strength.  
He cried, as quietly as he could so that no one but the man on the phone could hear his choked sobs.

“It happened again.”  
“Hangyul…”  
“It happened again, I fell in love even if it meant breaking my own heart in the end.”

He didn’t need for his IM hyung to say anything, he just needed to talk to someone.

“Hey, I’m here Gyul, you can talk to me. Let it all out okay?”

“It happened again, hyung. Only this time not because I was scared of commitment, but because I knew from the start that he wasn’t going to love me back.” He tried to breathe in calmly, to regain stability in his head and lungs, but to no use. “This hurts so much, hyung. I knew it, I knew he only saw me as a friend, but still… hearing him say it was horrible. Hearing him say that he would never like me like that…”

Giseok said sweet nothings in his ear, about how everything was going to be okay, that Hangyul was strong, he was going to get over this and that idiot (he couldn’t bring himself to even think about his name) was going to regret it one day.

“Maybe it’s karma. Someone up there is punishing me for what happened last time.” Hangyul chuckled through his tears “I should have listened to you back then… I should have been happy with what I had and not let fear guide me, but I ruined that too. Now my punishment is to fall in love once again, be a fucking idiot once again. Only this time he’s the one doing the rejecting.”

He followed his hyung’s advice and he let it all out, crying and crying.  
His pain for what he heard mixed with the bitterness he remembered from another heartbreak. How different the situations, yet exactly the same. He had been a kid back then and he hoped it hurt so much only because he wasn’t very experienced.  
But now, two years later he was still crying over a boy.

Sometime during the phone call Kijung and Taeeun showed up too and Giseok went silent, probably trying to explain without disturbing his crying hysteria.

His breathing stabilized and his tears slowed down and only when his pain wasn’t so loud in his ears he realized that his three original members were singing to him.

It was so different from when Seungyoun used to do it, but in a way, it was better.  
It didn’t make him feel confused and it didn’t put his heartbeat in a frenzy, the exact opposite. He felt understood, supported, calm and he knew that he could do it again, he could heal slowly but surely.

He forced himself to keep on crying and crying until he fell asleep, to truly let it all out so that when he woke up in the morning there would be nothing left.

And when morning came and Seungwoo was still sleeping, his phone was dead, batteries running out in the middle of the night, and his chest feel lighter. Numb, but lighter.

Seungyoun was standing in the middle of the kitchen, looking lost and sickly.  
Hangyul forced himself not to worry about how he didn’t look at all good and grabbed the bag of rice to start cooking. He was so tired from how he spent the previous night that faking a smile almost came effortless, no thought in his head aside from getting something in his belly to gain some energy.

Seungyoun didn’t seem to be particularly in the mood for talking and sipped on his coffee twice before walking away from him.   
“You’re mom sent that, by the way. I found it in front of our door this morning.”

_Was it just his broken-hearted imagination or did Seungyoun always sound so curt and distant and fake?_

He shook his head and opened the package from his mother.

_‘I found it in your room while cleaning up. I know you have a new one, but I thought there might be something in it you want to keep from the times before you joined the program’_

There were two things inside: a charger and a phone. His old phone.

He smiled and even if it still didn’t come from the bottom of his heart, maybe a trip to memory lane could help him clear his mind a little.  
He charged the phone as he kept cooking and by the time they all ate and cleaned up he finally managed to switch it on.

It buzzed for over a minute, catching up with all the notifications it missed in the year Hangyul hadn’t touched it. Since he auditioned for Produce x 101. The kids looked at the device puzzled but went back to watching TV.

When it finally calmed down and stopped vibrating, Hangyul unplugged it and went back to his room, safely tucked under the covers and started scrolling over the notifications.

Missed quests from his phone games, old notes and things he had marked on the calendar, relatives on regular texts, notifications from social media he no longer could use, old friends he had almost forgotten that didn’t know his new number. Most of them dropped the conversation since he didn’t answer.  
All except one.  
He had written to Hangyul for each and every holiday or event possible, even if Hangyul never once replied.

It all came back in a painful stab. The day before, the drive with Yohan, Seungyoun’s words, crying over the phone and the miserable emptiness he felt in the morning.  
_Maybe it’s karma. Someone up there is punishing me for what happened last time._

The main dancer stared at the chat, rereading it four times before closing it in confusion.

The most recent text was dated 25 January, the Lunar New Year.

_Hey Gyulie, I don’t even know why I still do this, we haven’t seen or talked in a year so…_  
I don’t even know if you don’t answer because you changed your number or because I did something to make you hate me. But it’s a habit I guess so I’ll write to this number anyways.  
_Happy New Year_

He threw his phone on Seungwoo’s bed, not believing what he just saw.  
After a moment of heavy, stressed breathing he took his old phone once again and read the name of the sender just to be sure:

_Suwoong hyung <3_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiiiiiii!  
This is sad, we already knew that cuz apparently I'm incapable of writing people happy. I'm so sorry it took so long, both because I know how awful the last Seungyoun chapter was (and I'm sorry if now I made it even worse) and because I like writing this so I want to keep going and finish this...  
I have the whole thing planned out up until the first half of the last chapter, but I lack the time to actually write.  
Also, I have no idea how it's going to end because I'm really torn on whether or not making this bitter and angsty (since the whole theme of the story is awful timing, mutual pining and hurt) or to make it happy in the end (which is a lot less depressing but also I'm not sure it fits the pace of the story, plus I've hurt people too much and i feel guilty if I don't give them a pay off for all the pain).  
If you guys want to know the chapter list in advance or keep it a secret you can @ on twitter @sun_shinejade...  
i'm excited so i kinda wanna reveal it, but i also don't want to spoil it too much.
> 
> anyways i hope you like this and enjoy reading my work in general if you feel like breaking it down and give me constructive critique ill gladly accept it, if you wanna leave a nice comment i'll love you lots and if you hate it im sorry i'll try harder next time <3  
love you bbs

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, as any respectable plot, Hangyul decides to move on the moment Seungyoun is starting to realize he might feel something beyond friendship.  
I told y'all not to hate Kijung, he's a loving dongsaeng that's trying to look out for his hyung. He's wrong about Seungyoun in this case, but let's face it we all wanted to punch Seungyoun for being flirty and unloyal and repeatedly trying to sink Seungyul so he has a point in being worried for Hangyul's heart.
> 
> Also, I like name dropping and hinting at backstories, I'm not really sure what happened between Suwoong and Hangyul yet, but yeah something definitely happened.
> 
> Anyways I really hope you guys liked this! Imma try to update "It's my right to be hellish" tomorrow but no promises hehe  
<3 thanks as always for taking time to read this through.  
As mentioned it's a parallel fic, so same time as the other one, though the chapters will probably be shorter because IMRTBH is the main work between the two. Just thought it'd be nice to have some insight in what's going on with Gyullie too
> 
> love you guys always and you can always reach for me on twitter @rant_stan_jdn // sunshinejade for anything really <3 <3 <3


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